May 22, 2014 by Melanie L.
And by “break a leg” I don’t mean the stage-performance version of “do a great job out there!” I mean actually break it:
Think about it. The unofficial kick-off to summertime – prime dating season – is upon us and you’ve been on the prowl longer than you’d like to admit with no prospects to show for it. Ok, so maybe that clown with the twitchy spread-eagle fingers, the buck tooth (not two, just the one), and the inability to look you in the eye approached you – twice. But, I don’t mean him. So you took matters in your own hands. You gathered your courage and went over to some tall drink of water on the other side of the bar only to find out: 1. he’s married; 2. he’s your bestie’s sister’s ex; 3. he’s been arrested (like, last year) for salacious behavior on a college campus; 4. he’s been disbarred for co-mingling funds; 5. he’s a fantasy gamer with costumes to prove it; or 6. he’s just plain fugly close up.
You need a man magnet. Stat. You know where I’m going with this: go break your leg. The real deal. Don’t just slap your brother’s old cam boot on. That’s disingenuous. You have to really commit, here. Trust me. Take my advice and you won’t be single for long. Why? Here are the top six reasons:
1. To Meet a Doctor (Of Course)
Ladies, the ER is full of young, single, intelligent, ambitious, smoking hot residents ripe for the picking. They don’t have time to pee or sleep, let alone date, so they need you to come to them. And, everyone knows you can’t just walk into an ER all healthy-looking and expect to see a doctor. Those people get triaged to the six-hour-wait-list area. No, you need a broken bone, the gorier the better.
2. To Become Approachable
Let’s face it. You’re hot. Like, super hot. You know it. I know it. And, you know who else knows it? The guys you’re hunting. They know you’re the real deal and they’re intimidated. They usually see you across the room and can never muster the courage to approach you. Maybe they’re worried if they approach, you’ll simply reject them with a quick exit. But, a hottie with a cast and crutches is disarming. You’re a captive audience. They won’t get shot down so easily so they’ll be more likely to approach.
3. To Break the Ice
Perhaps the only thing scarier for a guy than to walk up to a girl is the concern that he’ll strike out with a bad line. But, if you have a broken leg, he doesn’t need to put any thought into his opener: “Hi, I’m [insert fantasy boyfriend name here]. What happened here (points to your cast)?” Make sure you have a ready answer. I personally prefer answers like, “Oh, this? I got injured chasing a runaway stroller headed for traffic.” Or, “Oh, it’s nothing. I got hurt when I was trying to evacuate a bus load of nuns from a crash.”
4. To Lose Weight
Nothing, and I mean nothing, helps diet recidivists stick to a plan more than immobility. With a broken leg, there are no idle trips to the pantry. No more staring blankly at the contents of the fridge until you settle on something to satisfy your boredom. It’s just too damn taxing to summon the effort for anything less than avoiding death by starvation. Watch those pounds melt right off.
5. To Get Rock Hard Abs
Every single step is a lower ab crunch. Every. Single. Step. Even if you spend your first few days bed- or couch-bound with your foot elevated, once you are up again, you will find that even a trip to the mailbox will kick your a$$, or abs, rather, into gear. Hello, six pack!
6. To Open Up Your Schedule
You want dates so you need to make yourself available. Your broken leg provides the perfect excuse to get out of work to go on that date! “I need an MRI, I’m sorry I’ll be out on Thursday.” Or maybe, you did go on that first date and it bombed but he wants a second. There’s nothing wrong with a polite, “Sorry, next Saturday is no good. I have a check up scheduled. . . .Yes, my doc has openings on the weekend.” (So what if it’s that ER doc you met at the hospital?) Bonus, you now also have a perfect excuse to get out of Great Aunt Edna’s step-grandson’s graduation. You’re welcome.
(Psst – guys, I know what you’re thinking: where do I take my beautiful bombshell klutz on a date? Try some ideas from here. But, guys, no matter what – and I can’t stress this enough – do not take her anywhere that has a freshly mopped floor unless you want to spend your date in the ER while the doc eyes up your girl like he knows her.)